Step 8 - New Chapter

Stuffy nose again!! TMD... Zzz What a nice weather today to sleep in... *Yawn* =O

Yesterday... I WAS angry, today I am closing that chapter of my life and starting a new one again... you shall say moving on~ No pt dwelling on it when people doesn't give a damn right... So what shall I write this time??

Let's see... Yesterday dinner @ 'WAKURA' again but different location wif Mr Teck 'Roon' haha Pardon, so that poor guy got drag by me to 'KEE SIAO' hours a pub near china town to have soon booze... keke. We went to meet a frd, Joelyn a Siao Char bor... Wait.. before that I spotted a cutie waitress! But only can see la keke.

Yea abt Joelyn... I dunno how the hell she gets to know a 32 yr old guy which is like 10 years older then her and she told me she is falling in love but she is afraid... I mean whats there to be afraid about. When love is concern, its blind there's always up n downs whether u fail in future or not, is how u take it n handle it and its not being afraid to face it and avoid it... I wonder if she is in love @ the first place. Or jus LUST. Well, I cant comment, cos I myself dunno what love means! Ha

On the other hand, another guy about her age who likes her. Haiz poor guy... I can understand how's he is gg thru. And I told joelyn to end it well wif him. She jus argue the way thru but actual fact, she gave him an indirect ans.

Indirect ans: means making e guy ponder, whether he thinks he has the chance or nt... part of his consious will surely think that he has e chance. Well, lets hope this guy finds a better girl next time! I better keep my mouth shut cos I in no position to say all this....

Anyhow, I still dun understand what's love... Its seem like there's always more lust to love if anyone could explain pls comment... well well, I dunno what I am posting today but whoever read this I hope they understand =)

Cheers!

Step 7 - ANGRY

This post is to vent my anger... its prob for once and thats it...!!

I treat it as it is nothing the FACT is Ha! I am again a SUPPORT PILLOW. What you ladies think I am... a tool? when u need some one, I am there... then after when you GIRLS have thought it thru, U all jus throw me aside and thought that I m good on my own.... Stop being selfish for once n spare a thought for my feelings. I am a human too, I have feelings. I seriously not a tool to jus be there when u need me. Best e end of it you all jus turn cold and treat as nothing had happen, what you all told me before... all fake is it??!! or is that jus for that period of time... which u all think u all got blind. Pls for once if you all wanna end it... end it well dun just quietly walked away and treat as nothing EVER HAPPEN!

Something HAPPEN for sure... another scar for me... Well, who can I blame now? Seriously no one but myself who commit too much. Well a favour from all of you, My life is bad enough dun make it worst!

I m angry... angry... angry.... But I will fine after all this whinning....

Taking e next step again... Cherry-O~

...Someday...

You seduce me with your smile,

and I fell in love with your charm,

you mersmerize me with your eyes,

and drown me in your arms.

But I'm afraid to tell you

of what I truly feel,

I fear that you might

reject the love I feel.

I love you,so what should I do?

Am I supposeto tell it to you?

Or just keep it to myself,

never let you know,

and just hope that someday,

you'll love me too?

Step 6 - New Phrase!!!

Woke up... wif stuffy nose, as usual same old relapse when I was young who knows one day I might be stuff and cant breathe ha! Another day had past... Last night finish work around 2230hrs, so many so many returns paperwork to be done or shall I say we've to wait for everyone to finish then we can go...

I have observe this team compare to my team... I can say this team have different groupings, each one of them choose who to hang around wif. Any after work they go their own way. Its prob the work enviroment, that they do not have any common interests or there's a generation gap. Boy, I miss my team already!

Whenever, I come home ,be it from work, or outside. Before I enter the lift, I am always looking around. Not because I m looking for any strangers following me but m hoping that some one I wish would appear. Some one who is still in my heart and never stop looking for to see. How good if that some one would appear some day? SMACK!~ Wake up and stop dreaming~ EUGENE!

Oops! It never happen... after all I dun think I even have a place in that some one heart. like when I watched a Korean drama... it taught me two new phrases when I think it best reflect on me.

"We are accquiantians NEVER on the same path"

and

"A TOAD lusting for a swan will GET you no where..."

It so damn true... come to think of it I can't even take care of myself let alone some one, Its better not to drag any one to my life... ... ....

Maybe letting go is a good idea....

Step 5 - Indecisive

Sunday morning... another day had pass, to think about again the days I have always go thru it meaningless. Either worries over work, money or love. Its always the same old thing again n again... moreover, have been very INDECISIVE lately... I can't seem to make up my mind. First I say one, after awhile I wanna do the other... What's going on between me!

Yes, I have been flipping my decision here n there in e past. But, never like so bad now. I never know what I want... Its really like no determination, no directions. Probably, cos of my mood swings lately, I'm like a volcano who seldom erupts. BUT when it does... ALL HELL BREAK LOSE.

Seriously, I hope it will never happen. I know Time will help me to get my two feets up! I suppose to head to bugis and get my watch... but @ e end I change my mind again. Haizzz... Was it because I dun wanna go alone or m I jus to lazy to go PUBLIC. I thought: "How I wish I can drive..."

Pple you yearn to see nv appear, nv call, nv msg, nv write... Guess this is the way LIFE is. They never care for your feelings, its seems like you have become an unwanted trash and you are just cast aside. What you have done in past, no longer apperciated no longer cherish. At the end, when you tried so hard to get their attention, they claim you are just being sensitive. Humans are just too selfish! Its sad to say, when humans became close to one another. There's probably a reason... cos maybe both parties gets the benefit of one another. Sad~ so sad to say this is a REALITY of life. Now I came to understand "Every MAN/WOMAN for him/herself"

Its seems I've been writting alot of negative stuffs in this "Take a walk with me" Maybe what I m seeing now is more negative then positive. Prob the next time... I will put in positive stuff...

Till we walk again...

...Forbidden...

Did you recall when we first met?

You cheer me up I couldn’t forget

I was so lonely and you are too

Smile on my face took away the blue......

Could this be love or infatuation?

I’m feeling right now or just illusion

My heart beats faster day by day

Seeing you around I feel okay

I'm sure its love I’m feeling right now

But family and friends will not allow

Because you are but forbidden love

And God knows from up above

We can't show our love in public

Everyone will be a critic

They will talk and make us cry

I can’t endure and I will die

Lord help us fight this feeling

So we will not end up in something

I’ve tried so many times to stop it

But could not do I had to admit

Please Lord if you can forgive us

Our true love you're the only witness

This love will flourish and continue

Forever and ever and that is true

I hope everyone will understand

Together we hold hand in hand

We may vanish on earth one day

But our love won’t fade away

Step 4 - Blank~

Jus finished my 1st day @ Team Bravo, got home... raining again la, nv take umberalla as usual so drench alittle, well all I can the 1st day was 'alright' but then again when I see my team colleagues... I start to miss them =( I believe there's more to come.. or such I say worst... cos basically e true colours are not out yet.. Shall wait n see...

On my way back while listening to my walkman hp... this song came by

退后

天空灰的像哭过

离开你以后

并没有更自由

酸酸的空气

守住我们的距离

一幕醉心的结局

像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记

找到了回忆

那笑容是傻气

你我的过去

被深深真的忘记

缺氧过后的爱情

存心的眼泪是多余

我知道你我都没有错

只是忘了怎么退后

信誓旦旦给的承诺

全被时间扑了空

我知道我们都没有错

只是放手比较好过

最美的爱情回忆里带去

☆歌词吾爱☆

☆歌词提供:再兴☆

天空灰的像哭过

离开你以后

并没有更自由

酸酸的空气

守住我们的距离

一幕醉心的结局

像呼吸般无法停息

抽屉泛黄的日记

找到了回忆

那笑容是傻气

你我的过去

被深深真的忘记

缺氧过后的爱情

存心的眼泪是多余

我知道你我都没有错

只是忘了怎么退后

信誓旦旦给的承诺

全被时间扑了空

我知道门都没有错

只是放手会比较好过

最美的爱情会一定带去

我知道我们都没有错

只是放手会比较好过

最美的爱情回忆里带去(待续)

相信你我还会有开始只因我们都没有错...

... And I thought of HER again... I hope she is doing fine, I wanted to ask her if she's feeling better but it seems like we r like not even friends. I believe time can producing healing. I'll pray that she will be free from worries soon!

Zzz... my eyes are closing! Haha guess I will just end it off right here, will continue e next STEP soon

...lonely...

I'm on my own feeling lonely,

Tension buliding up inside,

Hurting deep down,

And trying to hide,

All the sadness within,

From all the people who cared,

Not knowing how to explain,

The thoughts in my head,

So I just block out everyone,

It was only for the best,

I put on my fake smile,

So no one would guess,

That at home in my room,

I would break down and cry,

But tears didn't help,

I needed a cure,

So I picked up a razor,

And thought of self-harm,

Then I slashed at my wrists,

Made blood pour from my arm,

It was a realease,

From my tension and pain,

The feelings dlowed out,

With the bolld from my vains,

The fleash on my wrists,

Was torn and red,

But then I felt better,

For clearing my head,

From all teh emotion,

Which was locked up inside,

Now it is only my scars,

That I'm trying to hide...

Step 3 - Bravo

Jus after I wrote the post yesterday, I recieved a call from my supervisor saying I am going over to TEAM BRAVO until my hand recover. I expect it would happen... But come to think of it thanks to one of my big mouth colleague who is one of the caused that made my supervisor speaking to the upper management about my condition. I may or MAY NOT return to my previous team...

Yesterday dinner at a japanese resturant wif joelle... At wakaru or something. @ Central. The basement is just like a maze. Mood was netural before heading to dinner until I recieve a call from another big mouth colleague saying that I MAY NOT return. I start to think... the possibility, chances are 50 - 50! Would it be to the extend that I had to resign? I have to think about it.

Clark Quay - Nothing interesting after dinner, jus stroll around Clark Quay looking for place to drink wif joelle but at e end of it, I said : "Let's head home...." At first we wanted to head to St James but guess my stomach was just to bloated to drink anything so I suggested gg home.

St James Power Station - I took different side from my friend. While returning, I suddenly felt that I wouldnt wanna to go home so I made a U-turn and head to St james myself. I gave HER a msg hoping that maybe she can join me, but aiya she have plans~ I end up drinking alone @ the end bar of the club. On my right there's a couple. Suddenly this group of 4 'Ang Mohs' came and cut into my left side and order their drinks. I thought they will go and who knows they just hang around there! Take e space up making me look so small. Blocking my view also! Its a gd thing that e couple left and I had more space.

My two irritating colleagues as usual keeping calling me... I was so irritated and I off my phone! The more I drink, the more I think... I felt even more disappointed wif everything. I end off my drinks at 12plus and head home... I turn on my phone then. SHE gave me 2 msges asking me if I am ok?, I did not reply... nor I would wanna pick up HER call. I just dun wanna speak to anyone at that time. But on the other hand, I hope that SHE would call me a more few times but it never happen. Wishful thinking again~ I prob just some nobody. My phone then became silence and I doze off....

I managed to change my doc's appointment date to 03-08-2007, 1150am, I hope after that I am able to return to my TEAM... for now I jus have to bear wif it first ba....

Step 2 - UNWANTED CHILD

Zzz... jus got back from work tired as usual, was a busy night shift again. Haiz wondering if there's something wrong wif my supervisor luck or is it jus fate that wanted us to work harder. People always have e impression on how slack are we.... They just would know how tough we are gg thru.

This morning... before heading home, my supervisor told me that I might be transferred/ on loan to another team. Just because of my right little finger when I fractured on 21 july 2007 during a soccer match. 'Sigh' seems like I m becoming AN UNWANTED CHILD pushing here n there. I wonder if I have done wrong by reporting I m on light duty....

I was Banned to play soccer... my team played a match yesterday before our shift. Our rivals were strong and we managed to squeeze in a 3 - 2... I was relieved. I couldnt play, so was standing at the side line supporting my team wearing our newly print jersey with words "mighty mouse" Hee my no. is 6. I m a defender. My legs were so wanting to play but I was not allowed. I just walked around shouting at my team mates.... Ha

Mighty mouse - orginated cos we nick our supervisor a CAT, so since we are all afraid of him we nicked ourself as mouse... I am called 'Small eyes mouse'

Her - There again I am thinking about her. There's so many stuff I wanna ask her. But its jus wasnt e right time or maybe I will never ask. I wanna know if she still think of me.... I wanna know why the recent coldness treatment... I wanna know why has it to be principle that makes us impossible... I miss her sweet messages, and her calls made in e morning greeting me 'Morning' It seems like we have became strangers overnight... =( I just wish I could turn back time. Badly do I wanna share what I am going thru to her but then again she have her own problems. Many a times I wanted to call her but I just dunno what to say.

What have I got myself into again... Its always the same Falling in love feeling and at e end a deep rejection. Prob I jus fall in love too quickly... or I am jus lonely. Actually, its tiring falling in love, putting efforts and the end of it. It became a blank. I have been going thru this so many times and I never LEARN. Its seems like I am every one passing cloud. When will I be able to find some one who loves for the way I am?

A Cursed? or I owe them fr previous life? Or should I be GAY!!!~

*yawn* I think thats enough for this morning... I wanna go sleep on this cosy raining day.... Night!

1st Step... 18th July 07 1030hrs Raining...

Hey! This is my first time blogging... u know I always thought that blogging is a waste of time... and the fact is I still believe so. I am writing cos I wan an avenue to place my thoughts as they have been stuffing inside me and I feel so damn horrible.

These few days or should I say weeks, I never been happy... the smile my friends prob see on me were e most fake I ever present. Everything have been going on going on again, its seem like it always repeat itself and I sick n tired of it. Work balance, love, friends, money... etc. The problems dun come one by one. It all come together.

Work - Recently, a new supervisor came in. His working methods are unbelieveable hard to get used to. overall e he's a nice guy. But it seem like a torture to be working under him. I am always dragging myself to work... Zzz so heavy. it seems like things I have been doing at work is always the same, I think I can never learn much in this manner. I wanna quit but I just cant!

Love - Its been a norm ever since my last break up wif my 2nd gf in 1999. I never had a stable relationship. Not that I dun want to but it jus wouldnt happen to me. I was always told that the right one will come... I waited it always end up getting involve with the wrong person. It has been 8 years.... haha could it be e methods I am applyin or they way I am treating the ladies I am interested in. I am always at the wrong time, wrong place... Or I am fated to be single for the rest of my life. I always asked why is this happening to me again and again. I dun blame the gurls. I blame myself, for trying to hard or jus plain USELESS... the fact is I miss someone now but there's no way I can express it. Pathetic!<<<< correct spelling

There's so many things I wanna write but due to time constrain.. i think i'll jus end it off...